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Cows and Politics
FEUDALISM: You have
two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You
have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone
else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives
you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex- chicken farmers. You have to
take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you
should need.
FASCISM: You have
two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells
you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You
have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the
milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all
the milk (and gives you a Vodka allowance each month.-meg)
DICTATORSHIP: You
have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm
animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You
have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You
have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the
election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press
dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government
doesn't do anything. (aside from increasing beef exports... - meg)
BUREAUCRACY: You
have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when
you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cow, milk, and feed.
(- and fines you for improper disposal! - meg)
ANARCHY: You have
two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill
you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You
have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt
/ equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk
back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. (Then
fines you for methane emissions!! - meg)
FEMINISM: You have
two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk
is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but
no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this
milk.
SURREALISM: You
have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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