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The Texas Chili Contest...
Frank, a Yankee Mason visiting some
Masonic Brothers in Texas was invited to be one of the judges at a chili
cook-off. He was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy-and besides-they told him he could have free beer during the tasting.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac
Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on
tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato
flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are
crazy.
Chili # 2:
Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?)
with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor,
needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of
children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the
front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a
bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo
under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3:
Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse
chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a
bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a
joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her
"Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4:
Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with
almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the
black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping
across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me
with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked
at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kind of cute.
Chili # 5:
Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded
beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Chili # 6:
Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a
straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one wants to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7:
Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if
the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.
FRANK: You could put a hand
grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight
in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the
X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
I know Y'all think twice about eatin' Texas Chili
now.
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