Found a good "B.I.B.L.E." link? Let Us Know!
Return to
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
The Broken Christian
I used to stand outside the recovery
room for newborn babies and, through the glass, study the tiny humans
experiencing their first moments on this earth. {I was an Emergency Room nurse,
in the Army, at the time} I recall thinking then, as now, that I have never seen
an "evil" baby and wondering at what point it is that we all fall from
grace for, no matter how perfectly formed or unjustly deformed, I believe that
each newborn child is a "pure" human being, unsullied by the ways of
the world or the knowledge that will soon be impressed upon them. Watching these
children - some in peaceful repose, some alert and curious, some agitated or in
obvious distress, and others barely clinging to the life that had just been
given to them - I often found myself wondering what thoughts ran through their
heads. Certainly there were distractions brought on by sight, sound, taste,
touch, and smell and while I wondered what they might have thought about each of
them, I was really more curious about the thoughts they may or may not have had
that were not a product sensations.
It's kind of funny to think of a
baby philosophizing - but that is exactly what I wondered
most about. How do you conceptualize "self" and "not self"
when you have no concepts or precepts or language confusing the
issue? Were all their thoughts motivated solely by the physical world they had
just entered - or was there a higher consciousness, an unadulterated knowledge,
at work inside those tiny developing minds? Were they still in touch with God?
Did they know something more about God that they were destined to forget with
their indoctrination into this world?
My dog tags were stamped with
"No Rel Pref," indicating that - should I be on the brink of death,
any religious representative at hand would be acceptable, but none were
particularly necessary. By this time in my life I had become a full-blown,
self-proclaimed Agnostic. By my definition, this meant that I could neither
prove nor disprove the existence of God and had found no help, or use, in the
various religions claiming the sole ability to "correctly" do
so.
As a young Roman Catholic I was indoctrinated
with a fear of God, a love for Jesus, and the distinct impression that only the
Roman Catholic Church knew all the answers to the mysteries of life, the
universe and everything. The problem was, the Church was very reluctant when it
came to illuminating the "layperson." Typical responses to vexing
questions included lengthy circular arguments filled with platitudes, but
disturbingly bereft of any real answers. What it all boiled down to, in the end,
was either "Because the Bible says so," or "Because the
Church says so." This was familiar:
"Mom? Can I stay up late and eat cookies and ice-cream and watch 'Dracula vs. the Wolfman' tonight?"
"No, Son. You may not."
"How come, mom?"
"Because I said so."
Infuriating! Especially to an active, developing, and knowledge-hungry mind. Besides, I really, really wanted to see 'Dracula vs. the Wolfman' and would have been happy to negotiate away the sugar-overdose for a glass of chocolate milk or something. I understood that Mom and Dad made the rules. Sometimes I even understood that there really was a good reason for the rules imposed. "Because I said so," however, did nothing but create a great red cloud of boiling resentment inside my mind. "Because I said so" was always the final statement in an argument which could not be breached. It was the same as people saying "Things are the way they are because they are" when I asked them how something worked or why people did things a certain way. To me, it meant :
- I don't know,
- You don't need to know (which made me want to know even more),
- No reason - It doesn't really have to be that way at all, and finally,
- I'm bigger than you, stronger than you, and have power over you. (Not a real reason, either.)
Now if mom had said:
"No, son, little boys need their sleep or they feel all yucky the next day. Besides, sugar is "energy" for the body and it will keep you up all night tossing and turning in a dark room imagining that your pals - Dracula and the Wolfman - are after you. Even without the sugar, young minds are very active and scary movies - even the fun ones - can give you bad dreams. Now, you don't want to have nightmares tonight, do you?"
Chances are I would have accepted this
explanation (after a bit of wheedling) and been satisfied that it was at
least possible that Mom knew what she was talking about (she usually did)
and that she wasn't being mean - she was trying to look out for me. I would have
still been disappointed that I didn't get my way, but I would have known the
reason why I was being disappointed and that it was out of love and concern for
me.
It didn't take long for me to become
disillusioned with the church. There were lots of rules and rituals and
repetition and rote recitation, but very little in the way of explanation. Stern
looks reinforced the suggestion that I simply accept what I was told on faith.
And there's the problem. When it comes to God,
there are moments that require a leap of faith. But when it comes to man
and the constructs of man - including rules, regulations and the administration
of religion or government - the failure to demand a reasonable and revealing
explanation, I believe, can only lead to physical and spiritual subjugation and
domination.
My disillusionment with the church led me to
investigate as many other religions and mythologies as possible. At first, my
Roman Catholic upbringing compelled me to concentrate on investigating
Catholicism and Christianity to the greatest extent possible. This was
pre-internet and there wasn't a whole lot available to "lift the veil"
of mystery that wasn't vehemently secular.
Rational secularism is almost an oxymoron. There
is apologetic secularism, which doesn't want to offend anyone but is so vapid it
is itself offensive and there is the adamant secularism, which forbids any
consideration of God or the supernatural. Political secularism nearly always
begins as a sort of faux-Rational Secularism, but always decays into either the
adamant or the apologetic. In either case, the power of religion is evident - as
is the fear of religion. Why?
Why is the self-professed secularist so
frightened of religion? Could it be that the Secularist - despite all claims to
the contrary - recognizes the inescapable truth that secularism itself is just
another form of religion? An adamant secularist is really nothing more than an
undeclared atheist, while an apologetic secularist is simply a timid agnostic.
Man cannot exist without a belief system - it's
simply impossible. Whatever it is that you believe, whether it is that you know
something to be or not be, or that you don't know anything at all. Not believing
in religion or God is as much a belief system as fundamental Christianity.
Realizing this, I am forced to abandon my own agnosticism and search for
something deeper to believe in. I've researched various mythologies and many
religions most folks would consider "Pagan." I've found some good and
a whole lot of weird and some not so good things in virtually every religion
I've studied. Now I am falling back on the basic religion of my parents -
Christianity - and intend to try and make some sense of it all, that I can
accept.
There
is a very good chance that, by including this section in the website, I
will be upsetting the great majority of the folks who take the time to
browse it. This is emphatically not my intent. I've thought long and hard
before adding this section and about what I am trying to do here - and it
comes down to this:
1.) Read the Bible and see what I get out
of it - not what others tell me I "should" get out of it. Bible
experts and - more infuriating - Bible quoters really tick me off. They do
not appear to be really concerned with teaching the recipient of their
'wisdom' anything at all about God or the Bible, but are simply showing
off their ability to respond to any question with an appropriate Bible passage.
In the end, not a single one of them - Pastor, preacher, nor layman - has
ever been able to convinced me that they had any real answers (for me) at all.
In fact, I have yet to find an "expert" or quoter who could even
convince me that they believed or understood what they were trying to get
me to accept. They all knew the words but they either lacked the
conviction or the ability to implement, themselves, what they were trying
to foist on me.
2.) I do not believe in a vengeful God. On
the other hand (borrowing a line that I think is from the Bible) I DO
believe that we "reap what we sow." I'm really very tired of
people telling me that I'm going to go to hell or never going to see the
face of God, experience heaven, etc., unless I become just like they are.
I believe that a true God would value and encourage individualism,
diversity in thought and action, self-determinism, enterprise and freedom
- for what other reason would we be possessed of free will? But I
also believe (at this time) that how we conduct ourselves in these and
other matters, what steps we take to achieve our own goals - as a sum
total at the end of our days - determines the degree of heaven or hell
that we may experience beyond this life. Reading and dissecting the Bible,
I hope, will help me come to terms with these beliefs because:
3.) Not believing in a
vengeful God does
not constitute a valid belief in any God whatsoever. While I suspect that
God does exist, I often wonder if I am merely being swayed by my own
desire for there to be a God - and a life beyond this one. Like most
folks, my life has not always been too kind. I once had lofty goals and
dreams and now, so often, it seems that life itself has forced me to
compromise and accept the mundane as good enough and enough to get by.
When a person is dissatisfied with their past (or the present), and unsure
of the future (especially after death) it seems only natural to hope and
dream and yes ... pray ... that there is another, better life to
come. Could that be all there is to it? Is God and heaven and hell and all
points in between nothing more than an insecure dissatisfaction with this
life that I have been living? Perhaps, as this section unfolds, I will
find an answer - and you are all invited to witness my thoughts and
whatever changes may or may not occur as things progress. Then too, the
question must be asked:
4.) If there is no God, if no life awaits
us beyond this one, or even if this life is but one of many on earth - as
the reincarnation crowd profess - then what is the point? What is it that
we are supposed to do? How is it that we are supposed to act? In the most
selfish of terms, if this is the only chance at life I'll get, what
exactly is it that will provide me with greatest experience, the greatest
joy, the most profound sense of accomplishment, in the time that I have
left?
I really couldn't tell you how this
experiment is going to end. What I can tell you is that my 45-odd years of
life thus far has soured me on every religion I have ever heard of or come
in contact with. They have all presented themselves to me as being either
too passive, too aggressive, too nutty and even, oddly enough, too
ambivalent. Worst of all, they are often used to control the masses for
their own ends - usually money and power - rather than following the tenets it
professes to believe. All "church" organizations (tho, admittedly, not
all churches) seem to be much "richer" than they ought to be. I will
never enter a grand church, mosque, synagogue, cathedral, and expect to find
truth or wisdom or understanding. The edifice itself gives lie to the faith. Do
they think God really wants all these fancy churches covered in gold
ornamentation? Do they believe God smiles on them when poor people give more
than they can afford, just to keep an already overly wealthy organization in all
of their finery? I'm sure he smiles on the poor who give, but I'll bet he draws
the line at showing off. Something to do with the "
seven
deadly sins." Hmmm... which ones could apply here? Give me a humble
church any day. Perhaps I'll stay and listen awhile.
This Section will expand as I get farther
into the Bible and manage to sort out and put to text my thoughts on
whatever it is that I've just read. I'm sure I'm not the only one out
there who has become disillusioned and left the well trod path. Perhaps this
section will actually help someone else in one way or another. I hope so. Feel
free to e-mail me with your thoughts, arguments, questions, whatever. I'm very
interested to see what comes of this - so let's get started.
| Word of God? | Creation | There & Back Again |
Please Read The Website Disclaimer!
Copyright 1986-2012, The Survival & Self-Reliance Studies Institute (SSRsi), All
Rights Reserved
Site conceptualized, designed, created & maintained by MEG Raven
Snail Mail: SSRsi, PO Box 2572 Dillon, CO. 80435-2572