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Return to Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth or The Broken Christian

Creation

[ Genesis]

1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth... And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 1:4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. 1:5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. 1:6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. 1:7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so. 1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. 1:9 And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. 1:10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good. 1:11 And God said, Let the earth put forth grass, herbs yielding seed, and fruit-trees bearing fruit after their kind, wherein is the seed thereof, upon the earth: and it was so. 1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, herbs yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit, wherein is the seed thereof, after their kind: and God saw that it was good. 1:13 And there was evening and there was morning, a third day. 1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years: 1:15 and let them be for lights in the firmament of heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. 1:16 And God made the two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. 1:17 And God set them in the firmament of heaven to give light upon the earth, 1:18 and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good. 1:19 And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. 1:20 And God said, Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. 1:21 And God created the great sea-monsters, and every living creature that moveth, wherewith the waters swarmed, after their kind, and every winged bird after its kind: and God saw that it was good. 1:22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth. 1:23 And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. 1:24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth living creatures after their kind, cattle, and creeping things, and beasts of the earth after their kind: and it was so. 1:25 And God made the beasts of the earth after their kind, and the cattle after their kind, and everything that creepeth upon the ground after its kind: and God saw that it was good.  

1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. 1:27 And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 1:28 And God blessed them: and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. 1:29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for food: 1:30 and to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the heavens, and to everything that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for food: and it was so. 1:31 And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

2:1 And the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2:2 And on the seventh day God finished his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. 2:3 And God blessed the seventh day, and hallowed it; because that in it he rested from all his work which God had created and made.

Initial Observations

1:9 And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

This could be the first evidence of the Bible in support of (and vice-versa) scientific theory as regards PANGEA! Ancient plate tectonics theorizes that all of the current continents and land masses once comprised a single continent which has been labeled "Pangea." Score one for the Bible. Why? The Old Testament was written long before the author of the book of Genesis could possibly have scientifically theorized the probable FACT of an initial pangean continent. On the other hand, skeptics will argue that, being a technological ignoramus, it is quite probable that the author simply assumed that the land upon which he (could it possibly have been a she?) lived on was all there was. Witness the "edge of the world" theory that survived for so many centuries.

So why doesn't the skeptic's rebuttal cancel out the the point taken by the Bible? Two reasons: first, it is now a relatively accepted theory that Pangea existed and tectonic drift accounts for the current status of the earth's landmasses. Second, if the Bible truly is the "inspired word of God" then it is equally as likely that the human author's possible ignorance (and subsequent widespread beliefs) was actually created or instilled by passage 1:9. Chances are the author never bothered to give a thought about whether or not there were other continents, so why shouldn't there be? After all, there were many different tribes of man, many different species of animals - why not many continents? But then, one day, this author is Told by God, Inspired by God, or simply wakes up one morning and finds that he has written a text called "Genesis" in his sleep, where he learns that the world was created in seven stages and that the water was in one place and the land in another. One continent, surrounded by water and either the endless sea or the edge of the world theories are born. Back in the day, you will recall, everybody (including the later day "Church") thought the world was flat . . .

If you lean towards the Word of God, the Pangea theory validates the creation of one continent surrounded by water. To the best of my knowledge, the Bible never explains the current continent status - but Science does.

If your leanings are a bit more skeptical, you have to admit that, given the evidence surrounding our (geographically) ignorant author, there is a higher likelihood that he would have "invented" multiple continents to go with the multiple species of man, plant and animal available to his everyday inspection. Moses may have been well traveled in his day, but I don't recall ever hearing of him leaving the Middle East region.

1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years: 1:15 and let them be for lights in the firmament of heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. 1:16 And God made the two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. 1:17 And God set them in the firmament of heaven to give light upon the earth, 1:18 and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good. 1:19 And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

So, technically, the original "Let there be light" (1:1) was not the light of an earthly day, but a general "lightening" of the created universe. This alone is sufficient to doubt that the seven day creation theory has anything at all to do with our current 24 hour day produced by the earth's rotation. The Bible clearly states that the sun and the moon were not created or "placed" in their current positions until the fourth "day!" Since our days and our nights are a function of the earth's placement & rotation in relation to the sun, and since the sun and the moon didn't even exist until the so-called fourth day, a day in creation could not possibly equate to a 24 hour day. 

Without the literal 24 hour day of certain fundamentalists, I see no conflict between creationism and the evolution of the universe/planet. Time is a function of space and the relation of objects within space. God is supposed to be omnipresent, which means being present everywhere at once, which means that, to God, time has no meaning.  A day to God does not equate to a day to man.

1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. 1:27 And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

First of all, who is "us?" As in: Let "us" make man in "our" own image...

Why not, "let there be man" - like all the other "let there be" creations? Why doesn't it say "Let there be man, made in my image, after my likeness? Sure, it goes on to say: 

"1:27 And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

But this is after the fact and strikes me as possible literary license.

Second, this passage, sans 1:27, could be read to mean a whole lot more than 1 Adam and 1 Eve - who haven't even made an appearance yet. Nor does it put any restrictions on a certain apple tree we all have heard about. In fact, it pretty much implies the creation of a race of men to whom are given carte blanche over everything else in the world. This passage doesn't say how man was created. Could it be that this passage relates to a broad distribution of men across the world? If it is meant to mean only one man (Adam) why doesn't it say "Let us make a man in our image, after our likeness"?

Suppose God caused a race of men to "evolve" - as science teaches us - to the point where they reached a physical resemblance to God's image and likeness. Suppose that this race of men have nothing whatsoever to do with Adam and were created before the idea of an "Adam" occurred. Suppose Adam was special and separate from the rest. 

I'm just making this up as I go along, but I'm trying to reconcile what I've learned from science with what I'd been force fed as a young Roman Catholic. The sciences have amassed a pretty impressive glut of evidence in support of evolution - except for the missing link... the jump from unenlightened brute to to a man with a mission. Suppose Adam was the first of a race of men with a mission? It's not until 2:7 that God creates Adam and places him in a protected sanctuary. Suppose prehistoric man came first and God, not satisfied with the overall effect, decides He can do better. Suppose God decides he wants a creation that can "relate" to Him. Suppose God created him after the lesser men and gave him the intelligence to overcome and eventually dominate and replace those who came before?

For those with a conspiratorial bent: Suppose that was the way it was originally recorded and the church - who have always jealously guarded and kept secret the "Word of God" (except as professed by them) "translated" the original text with a few well placed omissions . . .

I don't really know. I'm not really sure it matters. And I certainly don't understand what all the shouting and condemnation is about. Nor all the insistence that it be one way or the other. I do know that I just plain do not trust the church or any evidence that they might provide to convince me. I believe the church has become nothing more than an international conglomerate yearning to regain the puppet-master status lost so long ago. Before I get bitter about the church, I think I'll move on...

Adam and Eve, after being booted from Eden, had two boys - Cain & Abel. Cain Killed Abel and was exiled to the land of Nod, where he found a wife and bore the child Enoch and built a CITY named after his son. 
Now where the heck did Cain's wife come from if Adam & Eve were the first human beings, and where did all the people for Cain's city spring up from? This would seem to lend weight to my earlier suppositions. 
The below table shows the account of the (male) descendents of Adam & Eve according to Genesis. The only reason for the table was that I was confused just reading it. I needed the table just to sort it out in my own head. It also shows the age (on the left) of the father at the time of the first-born son's birth and the number of years (on the right) that they lived. 

(Seth @130)Adam (930years) & Eve
Cain				Abel	(Enosh@105) Seth (912yrs)
Enoch					(Kenan@90) Enosh (905yrs)
Mehujael					(Mahalalel@70) Kenan (910yrs)
Methushael					(Jared@65) Mahalalel (895yrs)
Lamech					(Enoch@162) Jared (962yrs)
Jabal	Jubal	Tubal-cain	Naamah		(Methuselah@65) Enoch (Disappeared@365yrs)
					(Lamech@187) Methuselah (969yrs)
					(Noah@187) Lamech (777yrs)
					(All3@500)Noah
					Shem	Ham	Japheth

 

6:1And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the ground, and daughters were born unto them, 6:2 that the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all that they chose. 6:3 And Jehovah said, My spirit shall not strive with man for ever, for that he also is flesh: yet shall his days be a hundred and twenty years. 6:4 The Nephilim were in the earth in those days, and also after that, when the sons of God came unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them: the same were the mighty men that were of old, the men of renown.

This passage intrigued me, so I went an an internet rampage trying to find out what the Nephilim were and who the "sons of god" were that were molesting the women-folk. Here's what I found: Sons of God, Daughters of Men. Now THAT's some interesting reading. Not only is it a great tale, and kind of spooky when you think about it, but it clearly shows the tendency of "Learned Scholars" of the Bible to try and make things fit with their own particular beliefs -

First, a group within orthodox Judaism theorized that "sons of God" meant "nobles" or "magnates." Hardly anyone today accepts this view.

Second, some interpret the "sons of God" as fallen angels. These were enticed by the women of Earth and began lusting after them. Many reputable Bible commentators have rejected this theory on psycho-physiological grounds. How can one believe, they ask, that angels from Heaven could engage in sexual relations with women from Earth? Philastrius labeled such an interpretation a down-right heresy.

Third, many famed scholars contend that the "sons of God" are the male descendants of Seth, and that the "daughters of men" are the female descendants of Cain. According to this view, what actually happened in Genesis 6 was an early example of believers marrying unbelievers. The good sons of Seth married the bad daughters of Cain, and the result of these mixed marriages was a mongrel offspring. These later became known for their decadence and corruption; indeed, it reached such a degree that God was forced to intervene and destroy the human race. This comment of Matthew Henry could be taken as representative of those holding this view:

"The sons of Seth (that is the professors of religion) married the daughters of men, that is, those that were profane, and strangers to God and godliness. The posterity of Seth did not keep by themselves, as they ought to have done. They inter- mingled themselves with the excommunicated race of Cain." (1)

However, in spite of the excellent pedigree of the proponents of this theory, their argument is not convincing. Their interpretation is pure eisegesis--they are guilty of reading into the text what is obviously not there.

Please don't ask me what "eisegesis" means. I can try and look it up, but at the moment I haven't a clue. 

After the Nephilim thing, however, God wipes the slate clean and starts all over again. Apparently the gene pool has been messed with too much - except for Noah & his family. Everybody knows the story of Noah's Ark and the great flood. What some folks don't know, however, is that nearly every culture that has any claim to antiquity - regardless of the religion - has their own story of the great flood... and science has backed them up:

MESOPOTAMIAN TRADITION OF THE FLOOD

Manitoba geologist thinks he's found evidence of Noah's flood

Ancient Choctaw Legend of the Great Flood...

7:11 In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened. 7:12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

March 17th 2350B.C.? Wow! That's pretty specific.

After the flood comes the rules: 

9:3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be food for you; As the green herb have I given you all. 9:4 But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

So, no eating or drinking blood. Everything else is fair game. What about Hemlock? Deadly Nightshade? Belladonna? All the rest of the poisonous "green herbs?"

9:6 Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: For in the image of God made he man.

And no knocking each other off. Sounds reasonable - except that, if a man has to shed the blood of a man who has shed another man's blood . . . won't that set of a chain reaction of bloodletting? 

God makes a covenant to last through the ages that He will never exterminate all life on earth again by flood, sends His rainbow as the token of the covenant whenever it rains. 

And then (unless I missed something) Noah gets very weird. Noah gets drunk, naked and passes out in his tent. His son Ham drops by and sees Noah but, rather than tucking the old guy in for the night, runs and tells his brothers what he's seen (bad move, Ham). Noah comes out of his binge and curses Ham's SON!

What's up with that? I could see dumping on Ham, but why involve the poor kid? Noah makes the grandchild a servant to his two uncles as a punishment to Ham? Where's the rest of the story? Not fair! All it says after that is Noah dies at the age of 950 years old. 

Then we get the legion of sons of the sons of the sons. Nothing much there except for this one statement: 

10:25 And unto Eber were born two sons: The name of the one was Peleg. For in his days was the earth divided.

Does that mean a continental shift? The earth divided? Or are they talking about the Tower of Babel? Or is it the same thing?

After the begats is the tower of Babel story where God scatters the people and mixes up the lingo before the united sons and daughters of Noah & family get carried away again. Then a long list of more begats. Why are there so many begats when only one line (Abram/Abraham) seems to be significant? Isn't it all just a little confusing?

Noah

Shem

Ham

Japeth

Elam

Asshur

Arpachshad

Lud

Aram

Cush

Mizraim

Put

Canaan

Gomer

Javan

Magog

Shelah

Uz Hul Gether Mash

Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, Sabteca, Nimrod

Mizraim Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim  the Philistines and Caphtorim

Sidon  Heth,  the Jebusite, the Amorite, the Girgashite,   the Hivite, the Arkite, the Sinite, the Arvadite, the Zemarite, the Hamathite: and  the families of Canaanite

Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah

Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim

Madai Tubal Tiras Meshech

Shelah

Raamah

Eber

Sheba

Dedan

Joktan

Peleg

Almodad Sheleph Hazarmaveth Jerah Hadoram Uzal Diklah Obal Abimael Sheba Ophir Havilah Jobab

Reu

Serug

Nahor

Terah

Abram

Nahor

Haran

Lot

Iscah

Milcah

I'm not going to do this table of begats thing anymore. It's just too labor intensive. 

Now Abram & Lot carry the story. Lot is really a minor character aside from the Sodom & Gomorra take (and having been ordered by God to accompany Abram.) Abram (who is to become Abraham) is the really interesting one. First time we hear of him he is married to Sarai, who turns out to be barren. Then God comes to him and tells him that he has to leave his home, his family and his country. In return, God promises to show him an even better place as well as giving Abram a special blessing - Abram will become a great man: rich, famous, the founder of a nation - and any who bless Abram will in turn be blessed by God while those who curse Abram will be cursed by God. Leaving home seems like a small price to pay for a bodyguard like God and the promise of greatness. 

Abram is told to leave. Taking his wife & his nephew Lot, together with their goods & possessions, they set off on their mission from God. But as it turns out, Abram is not really made of strong stuff. Sarai may be barren, but apparently she is also a knock-out, and Abram is afraid he might be killed by others who want Sarai for themselves. So he tells her, as they make their way down into Egypt, to tell anyone who asks that she is his sister! Sure enough, he rolls into town and Pharaoh is taken with the girl. Thinking she is available, he takes her for his wife (after striking a lucrative deal with Abram) and then what happens? 

You'd think that God would be mad at Abram for selling his wife (under false pretenses, no less). You'd be wrong! 

God gets mad at at the Pharaoh and plagues him! 

Naturally, Pharaoh confronts Abram and asks him why he would/could do such a thing. He hands Sarai back and gives Abram the boot. Kicks him out of Egypt - rightly so, if you ask me. 

I suppose God's promise to Abram is the reason he took it out on the Pharaoh, but I think it was a great injustice really. Abram should have had his ears boxed and told in no uncertain terms to knock that sort of thing off. After all, isn't he already under God's protection? Hasn't God already promised Abram that he would go far and that anyone who harmed him would wish he'd never been born? Get some nerve, man! Buck up and stop this nonsense. But did God even bring it up with Abram? Not so's you could tell. Nothing written down, anyway.

So Abram leaves Egypt with all that he has - including his wife and, no doubt, what he scammed from the Pharaoh - and heads south to the land God has granted him. There, Lot's crew mixes it up with Abram's and the two men agree it would be better to part ways. Magnanimously, Abram gives Lot his choice of land and takes whatever part is left over. Lot makes a really bad choice and moves down to the town of Sodom, leaving Abram in Canaan. 

God comes to Abram and makes him another promise of all the land he can see in every direction. Abram sets up house in Hebron and we are told that wars begin to rage between the Kings of the various lands all around him. Poor Lot is caught up in the rape and pillage and appears to become enslaved. 

Meanwhile, back in Hebron, Abram has gathered a few buddies around him. Word reaches him that Lot has been captured and (finally!) Abram races off to rescue Lot . During the rescue, it seems, Abram manages to wipe out the marauders that were wreaking havoc and is proclaimed a hero and gets himself blessed by the deposed king's high priest. The king rewards Abram & his pals with the possessions of the marauders, but Abram declines the reward and takes off. 

Some time later he has a vision and talks to God about not having an heir and is told not to worry - he will have as many descendents as there are stars in the sky. Then God tells Abram to make a sacrifice to Him and Abram goes off to make good. Unfortunately, he falls asleep before completing his task and God comes to him in a nightmare. 

15:12 and, lo, a horror of great darkness fell upon him. 15:13 And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be sojourners in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years; 15:14 and also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance. 15:15 But thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age. 15:16 And in the fourth generation they shall come hither again; for the iniquity of the Amorite is not yet full. 15:17 And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold, a smoking furnace, and a flaming torch that passed between these pieces. 15:18 In that day Jehovah made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates: 15:19 the Kenite, and the Kenizzite, and the Kadmonite, 15:20 and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Rephaim, 15:21 and the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Girgashite, and the Jebusite.

Best not to fall asleep in the middle of making a sacrifice to God. The "prophecy" though, of 400 years of bondage really cannot be viewed as a true prophecy. The author of this book is Moses. Moses led the people out of (Egypt) bondage. Moses already knew how long that went on - he's the guy telling the story. 

Now Sarai feels bad about the lack of an heir for Abram and tells him to try producing an heir with her handmaid, Hagar. Keep in mind that God has already promised Abram that he and Sarai will produce heirs. Does Abram keep this in mind? Nope. He takes Sarai up on the offer and gets Hagar pregnant. Hagar flaunts it in front of Sarai, and Sarai turns to Abram - who tells her that she can do whatever she wants with Hagar. Hagar runs away after getting a taste of Sarai's wrath...

16:7 And the angel of Jehovah found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. 16:8 And he said, Hagar, Sarai's handmaid, whence camest thou? and whither goest thou? And she said, I am fleeing from the face of my mistress Sarai. 16:9 And the angel of Jehovah said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. 16:10 And the angel of Jehovah said unto her, I will greatly multiply thy seed, that it shall not be numbered for multitude. 16:11 And the angel of Jehovah said unto her, Behold, thou art with child, and shalt bear a son; and thou shalt call his name Ishmael, because Jehovah hath heard thy affliction. 16:12 And he shall be as a wild ass among men; his hand shall be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell over against all his brethren. 16:13 And she called the name of Jehovah that spake unto her, Thou art a God that seeth: for she said, Have I even here looked after him that seeth me? 16:14 Wherefore the well was called Beer-lahai-roi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.

16:15 And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called the name of his son, whom Hagar bare, Ishmael. 16:16 And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

About a dozen and one years later, God comes to Abram and, renewing his promise about the heirs, the fame, and the land, changes Abram's name to Abraham. Then he springs a new one on Abraham . . . all the boys and men in Abraham's household (including slaves) have to be circumcised!

17:10 This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee: every male among you shall be circumcised. 17:11 And ye shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of a covenant betwixt me and you. 17:12 And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every male throughout your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any foreigner that is not of thy seed...

17:14 And the uncircumcised male who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

Then God changes Sarai's name to Sarah, and makes her fertile (despite her own doubts). Some time later God clues Abraham in to his plans for destroying Sodom & Gomorrah. Abraham makes a plea for the righteous men that may live in the towns and (remarkably tolerant, considering the way Abraham went about it) God says He will spare the town if as few as 10 good men can be found living there. No go. Most folks know the rest of this story. Lot gets spared, but his wife gets turned to salt. Lot heads to the hills and daughters get him liquored up - then commit incest with him and become pregnant with his children. Apparently God doesn't have a problem with this because the only other thing that is said is that the the sons of Lot & his daughters go on to found great nations.

Now Abraham takes another trip and pulls another fast one with Sarah on a king. God appears to the king in a dream and tells the king he's dead meat if he touches Sarah. The king makes an honest plea on his own behalf:

20:5 Said he not himself unto me, She is my sister? And she, even she herself said, He is my brother. In the integrity of my heart and the innocency of my hands have I done this. 20:6 And God said unto him in the dream, Yea, I know that in the integrity of thy heart thou has done this, and I also withheld thee from sinning against me. Therefore suffered I thee not to touch her. 20:7 Now therefore restore the man's wife. For he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live. And if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine.

20:8 And Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called all his servants, and told all these things in their ear. And the men were sore afraid. 20:9 Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? And wherein have I sinned against thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? Thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done. 20:10 And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What sawest thou, that thou hast done this thing? 20:11 And Abraham said, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place. And they will slay me for my wife's sake. 20:12 And moreover she is indeed my sister, the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife: 20:13 and it came to pass, when God caused me to wander from my father's house, that I said unto her, This is thy kindness which thou shalt show unto me. At every place whither we shall come, say of me, He is my brother. 20:14 And Abimelech took sheep and oxen, and men-servants and women-servants, and gave them unto Abraham, and restored him Sarah his wife. 20:15 And Abimelech said, Behold, my land is before thee. Dwell where it pleaseth thee. 20:16 And unto Sarah he said, Behold, I have given thy brother a thousand pieces of silver. Behold, it is for thee a covering of the eyes to all that are with thee. And in respect of all thou art righted. 20:17 And Abraham prayed unto God. And God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maid-servants. And they bare children. 20:18 For Jehovah had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech, because of Sarah, Abraham's wife.

What happened to the brave hero Abram who rescued Lot from slavery? Where'd this weak-kneed, lily-livered whiny trickster come from - AND WHY DOES GOD LET HIM KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT?!? It doesn't make any sense.

Sarah finally gives Abraham a son and then kicks Hagar and her son out of the household. On the brink of death, God rescues Hagar & Ishmael and tells Hagar not to worry, the kid will do well in life. He grows up to be a great archer, the two of them move to Egypt and the boy marries an Egyptian girl. 

Abraham has remained in or around Abimelech's kingdom and, some time later the king visits Abraham. Apparently there is a dispute about a waterhole and the king (probably remembering what happened the last time he crossed Abraham) goes out to settle it and get Abraham to promise that he won't sic God on him. Abraham makes a pact with the king and settles down to raise his boy Isaac. 

Some years later God comes to Abraham and tells him that he requires the life of the boy as a sacrifice. Seems like God had a few doubts about Abraham's nerve/devotion as well.

But something bothers me about the test... Abraham loved Sarah and was willing to give her up just to avoid a possible threat from another human - so how much easier a decision must it have been from a KNOWN threat (God)? He really didn't have any choice but to obey and hope that God would make it right - give him another son, greater powers or protection, whatever. The point is, Abraham didn't need faith to perform the deed - he already had fear. 

But that's not in the story. Abraham follows God's word and, just before sacrificing his son, is stopped by God. God gives him the same blessing he's already given Abraham twice before - as many descendents as the stars: 

22:17 that in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heavens, and as the sand which is upon the seashore. And thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies. 22:18 And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed. Because thou hast obeyed my voice.

And thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies. I don't get it. And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed.I don't get this either. 

What I mean is, we know that the Jews have been persecuted and harassed pretty much wherever they've gone since Moses led them out of Egypt. Where's the blessing here? How does this constitute "possessing the gate of their enemies?" Somebody is going to have to go to an awful lot of trouble to explain this to me...

Anyway, Sarah dies at 127 years old and Abraham tries to buy a burial lot from Heth's kids (who's Heth?). But the kids insist on giving the plot to Abraham for free. Abraham doesn't want any of their plots, though - he wants one from some other guy named Ephron - and gets the Heth boys to go ask him for it. Ephron tries to give the land to Abraham as well, but Abraham insists on paying for it one to many times and Ephron becomes 400 silver pieces richer. 

Years later, Isaac is ready to take a wife - but old Abraham doesn't want to contaminate the gene pool with a bunch of Canaanites. He picks a servant and makes him swear that he will go and fetch a bride from the land he was told (by God) to leave. Through a rather interesting set of circumstances (some would say miraculous, but it could be manipulated storytelling - after all, it sounds really good), the servant winds up choosing a cousin of Isaac, Rebekah, as the bride. Rebekah is the daughter of Abraham's brother's son - a great niece of Abraham, second cousin of Isaac. Everybody is happy and Isaac and Rebekah get hitched.

Abraham (the old goat) remarries a lass by the name of Keturah. Unless I missed it somewhere in all the begats, her lineage is not important enough to be written down. She bears him a bunch of sons and they all have sons but none of them is really very important either. Isaac carries the bloodline and he gets pretty much everything when Abraham, at the age of 175, finally gives up the ghost (it actually says "gave up the ghost!) 

Meanwhile Ishmael (remember Hagar's boy?) has had twelve sons who became "Twelve princes according to their nations." This must have some relevance later because it was important enough for Moses to put that in. Here (25:12-18) it seems as if it is only a casual aside to the Abraham/Isaac story. We'll see.

Isaac & Rebekah conceive twins who seem to be fighting with each other in the womb. God talks to Rebekah:

25:23 And Jehovah said unto her, "Two nations are in thy womb, And two peoples shall be separated from thy bowels. And the one people shall be stronger than the other people. And the elder shall serve the younger."

25:24 And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb. 25:25 And the first came forth red, all over like a hairy garment. And they called his name Esau. 25:26 And after that came forth his brother, and his hand had hold on Esau's heel. And his name was called Jacob.

Esau grew to be a great outdoorsman, but Jacob was a tent dweller - kind of a lightweight and something of a shifty character. My guess is that Rebekah, having received the prophecy of God, babied the boy to the point of near emasculation. But she obviously taught him how to connive with the best of them:  

25:27 And the boys grew. And Esau was a skilful hunter, a man of the field. And Jacob was a quiet man, dwelling in tents. 25:28 Now Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison. And Rebekah loved Jacob. 25:29 And Jacob boiled pottage. And Esau came in from the field, and he was faint. 25:30 And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage. For I am faint. Therefore was his name called Edom. 25:31 And Jacob said, Sell me first thy birthright. 25:32 And Esau said, Behold, I am about to die. And what profit shall the birthright do to me? 25:33 And Jacob said, Swear to me first. And he sware unto him. And he sold his birthright unto Jacob. 25:34 And Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentils. And he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way. So Esau despised his birthright.

Esau would have been better off as an only child. Getting back to Isaac, though, it seems he is a chip off the old block:

26:1 And there was a famine in the land, besides the first famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went unto Abimelech king of the Philistines, unto Gerar. 26:2 And Jehovah appeared unto him, and said, Go not down into Egypt. Dwell in the land which I shall tell thee of. 26:3 Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee. For unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these lands, and I will establish the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father. 26:4 And I will multiply thy seed as the stars of heaven, and will give unto thy seed all these lands. And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed. 26:5 Because that Abraham obeyed my voice, and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws. 26:6 And Isaac dwelt in Gerar. 26:7 And the men of the place asked him of his wife. And he said, She is my sister. For he feared to say, My wife. Lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah. Because she was fair to look upon. 26:8 And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife. 26:9 And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife. And how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die because of her. 26:10 And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? One of the people might easily have lain with thy wife, and thou wouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. 26:11 And Abimelech charged all the people, saying, He that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.

Now I am really starting to feel a bit sorry for God. How exasperating it must be to have to place so much in the hands of such wishy-washy men. No sooner does God tell Isaac that he is going to protect him and see that he does well in life than Isaac starts jumping at shadows, disavowing his wife as his sister (just like pop) and letting other men take the heat for what, to them, is a totally unintentional sin. Outrageous! But old king Abimelech had already been stung by this bee once - and he wasn't going to stand for it again. Abimelech adds his earthly weight to Isaac's protection.

Because of this, Isaac and his brood do extremely well - better even than most of his hosts - and becomes envied. Abimelech is forced to give Isaac the heave-ho just to keep the peace and Isaac and company begin trekking for new lands. After a few false starts and arguments over water rights, Isaac finds a place to hang, sets up camp, and goes for a chat with God.  

26:23 And he went up from thence to Beer-sheba. 26:24 And Jehovah appeared unto him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham thy father. Fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Abraham's sake. 26:25 And he builded an altar there, and called upon the name of Jehovah, and pitched his tent there. And there Isaac's servants digged a well.

Not long after this Abimelechwho, as you will recall had his own brief chat with God, comes for a visit with Isaac. Isaac is a bit surprised, thinking the king and his kind hate the Jews - but not so! The king's not a bad sort and he doesn't want any trouble with Isaac or (most certainly) with Isaac's God. He's here to make a pact with Isaac. The king and his folk won't mess with Isaac's people, and Isaac won't call down the wrath of God on the king's folks. 

Seems the truce holds, for next we hear of Isaac, he's growing old, feeble, and pretty much blind. Esau, the elder brother has married two women who drive both Isaac and Rebekah to distraction. But Rebekah is not so distracted that she's forgotten the prophecy regarding Jacob. She overhears Isaac planning to pass on the Blessing to Esau and immediately begins plotting with Jacob to steal the Blessing - the right of the firstborn - away from Esau. The two of them concoct a crazy scheme to fool old, blind Isaac into giving the Blessing to Jacob - and it works. Jacob receives the Blessing through trickery and deceit and poor Esau is left with the shaft. Esau has been wronged heavily for the second time by his no-good scheming brother. Isaac cannot take back the Blessing once given so, feeling bad for his boy, gives Esau his own blessing: 

27:39 And Isaac his father answered and said unto him, Behold, of the fatness of the earth shall be thy dwelling, And of the dew of heaven from above. 27:40 And by thy sword shalt thou live, and thou shalt serve thy brother. And it shall come to pass, when thou shalt break  loose, That thou shalt shake his yoke from off thy neck.

This last part is a good thing for Esau because, in Isaac's pilfered Blessing, Isaac is given the right to lord over all his other siblings: 

27:29 Let peoples serve thee, And nations bow down to thee. Be lord over thy brethren, And let thy mother's sons bow down to thee. Cursed be every one that curseth thee, And blessed be every one that blesseth thee.

Esau is not overly comforted. He hates Jacob now and vows to kill him as soon as the mourning period for his father has ended (even though Isaac is still very much alive). Rebekah learns of Esau's plans, however, and manages to convince Isaac to send Jacob away in search of a wife that was not like Esau's women. Jacob is sent to get a woman from Rebekah's family. On his way, Jacob has a dream: 

28:12 And he dreamed. And behold, a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven. And behold, the angels of God ascending and descending on it. 28:13 And, behold, Jehovah stood above it, and said, I am Jehovah, the God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac. The land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed. 28:14 And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south. And in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed. 28:15 And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee, whithersoever thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land. For I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of. 28:16 And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely Jehovah is in this place. And I knew it not. 28:17 And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.

Thus God confirms that it doesn't matter how Jacob received the Blessing, nor really whether he is or is not an honorable man. He got the Blessing from Isaac, so he gets the Blessing from God. That doesn't seem right. But Jacob is about to get it, himself. Not as bad as his brother, to be sure, but not what he was expecting, either.

This is actually kind of funny and it wasn't really more than a momentary distraction to Jacob. Jacob meets and falls for Rachel, the younger daughter of Laban - Isaac's cousin. He wants her so badly that he indentures himself to Laban for seven years (which he must first serve) in order to get her. Laban is no fool - that's a pretty good deal - and he agrees to it.

At the end of seven years, Jacob comes to claim his bride it is Leah, the elder daughter, that he is presented. Jacob must take Leah as a bride, and spend a marital week with her, before Laban will allow him to marry Rachel. Not only that, but he must serve another seven years indentured to Laban as well! Ha! Of course, he eventually got what he wanted - and having two wives instead of one is not the same as stealing the birthright from your own brother, but at least he didn't get off scott-free.

And that's not all. God see's how Jacob treats Leah - fawning over Rachel and all but snubbing Leah - and all of a sudden, Leah is having babies left and right and Rachel is barren. Leah gives Jacob four sons before Rachel blows her top and tells Jacob to use her handmaid as a surrogate for her (tough duty!). Jacob goes to it and, in time, gets two sons from the handmaid. Now Leah gets in the act (having also become barren) and puts Jacob onto her handmaid. Poor, poor Jacob has at it and gets another two boys for the effort.

Not long after that Leah gives Jacob another two sons and a daughter and, finally, Rachel manages to give him a son who is called Joseph and we can all take a breather from Payton Place, B.C.. Joseph, after all, is what all of these birthing wars was about. God has finally gotten Jacob's successor and Jacob has gotten 12 sons (and a daughter).

By this time Jacob has come to the end of his indentured period to Laban and is looking to strike out on his own. Laban has other ideas, however, and strikes a deal with Jacob to stay and tend his flocks in return for a certain payment:

30:27 And Laban said unto him, If now I have found favor in thine eyes, tarry: For I have divined that Jehovah hath blessed me for thy sake. 30:28 And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it. 30:29 And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle have fared with me. 30:30 For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it hath increased unto a multitude; and Jehovah hath blessed thee whithersoever I turned: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also? 30:31 And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me aught: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed thy flock and keep it. 30:32 I will pass through all thy flock to-day, removing from thence every speckled and spotted one, and every black one among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire. 30:33 So shall my righteousness answer for me hereafter, when thou shalt come concerning my hire that is before thee: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and black among the sheep, that if found with me, shall be counted stolen. 30:34 And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word. 30:35 And he removed that day the he-goats that were ringstreaked and spotted, and all the she-goats that were speckled and spotted, every one that had white in it, and all the black ones among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons; 30:36 and he set three days' journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban's flocks.

But Jacob was not about to start playing fair, now, was he? He uses what appears to be some sort of powerful sympathetic magic to skew the odds in his favor and, truth be known, rip off his father-in-law: 

30:37 And Jacob took him rods of fresh poplar, and of the almond and of the plane-tree. And peeled white streaks in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods. 30:38 And he set the rods which he had peeled over against the flocks in the gutters in the watering-troughs where the flocks came to drink; and they conceived when they came to drink. 30:39 And the flocks conceived before the rods, and the flocks brought forth ringstreaked, speckled, and spotted. 30:40 And Jacob separated the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstreaked and all the black in the flock of Laban: and he put his own droves apart, and put them not unto Laban's flock. 30:41 And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger of the flock did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the flock in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods; 30:42 but when the flock were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's. 30:43 And the man increased exceedingly, and had large flocks, and maid-servants and men-servants, and camels and asses.

Treachery! Jacob is purposely weakening the breed which Laban has agreed to keep for himself, and capitalizing (through magic as well as stock manipulation) upon the trust and goodwill of Laban.

Then again, Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah and he also thought he was getting the better end of the deal with the stock split. Neither of these guys are exactly bucking for sainthood.

Laban's sons are getting a bit peeved by the disproportionate size of Jacob's take versus Laban's keep and begin to grumble about it to Laban. Before Laban has a chance to confront Jacob, though, Jacob uproots his family and his herds and his possessions and splits the scene without so much as a "Seeya!" to his father-in-law. It is only now, however that we find out Laban has been changing the rules in the middle of the game as well:

31:4 And Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah to the field unto his flock, 31:5 and said unto them, I see your father's countenance, that it is not toward me as beforetime; but the God of my father hath been with me. 31:6 And ye know that will all my power I have served your father. 31:7 And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times; but God suffered him not to hurt me. 31:8 If he said thus, The speckled shall be thy wages; then all the flock bare speckled: and if he said thus, The ringstreaked shall be thy wages; then bare all the flock ringstreaked. 31:9 Thus God hath taken away the cattle of your father, and given them to me. 31:10 And it came to pass at the time that the flock conceive, that I lifted up mine eyes, and saw in a dream, and, behold, the he-goats which leaped upon the flock were ringstreaked, speckled, and grizzled. 31:11 And the angel of God said unto me in the dream, Jacob: and I said, Here am I. 31:12 And he said, Lift up now thine eyes, and see, all the he-goats which leap upon the flock are ringstreaked, speckled, and grizzled: for I have seen all that Laban doeth unto thee. 31:13 I am the God of Beth-el, where thou anointedst a pillar, where thou vowedst a vow unto me: now arise, get thee out from this land, and return unto the land of thy nativity. 31:14 And Rachel and Leah answered and said unto him, Is there yet any portion or inheritance for us in our father's house? 31:15 Are we not accounted by him as foreigners? for he hath sold us, and hath also quite devoured our money. 31:16 For all the riches which God hath taken away from our father, that is ours and our children's: now then, whatsoever God hath said unto thee, do.

Just before they run off Rachel steals her father's teraphim. Teraphim are small idols or images of the ancient Hebrews and other Semitic peoples, worshipped by them as household gods or individual protecting deities. The word itself is of uncertain origin. A derivation from Hittite tarpi, meaning some sort of benevolent (or malevolent) spirit, has been proposed. It seems likely that they were also used for divination and soothsaying. Why she stole them is anyone's guess. Probably they were made of gold, but they may have simply been familiar objects that she felt she couldn't live without. Laban felt this same way. Three days after they left Laban gave chase. A week later he caught up to them:

31:26 And Laban said to Jacob, What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters as captives of the sword? 31:27 Wherefore didst thou flee secretly, and steal away from me, and didst not tell me, that I might have sent thee away with mirth and with songs, with tabret and with harp; 31:28 and didst not suffer me to kiss my sons and my daughters? now hast thou done foolishly. 31:29 It is in the power of my hand to do you hurt: but the God of your father spake unto me yesternight, saying, Take heed to thyself that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad. 31:30 And now, though thou wouldest needs be gone, because thou sore longedst after thy father's house, yet wherefore hast thou stolen my gods? 31:31 And Jacob answered and said to Laban, Because I was afraid: for I said, Lest thou shouldest take thy daughters from me by force. 31:32 With whomsoever thou findest thy gods, he shall not live: before our brethren discern thou what is thine with me, and take it to thee. For Jacob knew not that Rachel had stolen them.

First of all, why are all of God's chosen people - hand picked people who supposedly converse face to face with God - such wimps? You know, if God came down and talked to me and said "You are under my protection," well, I would tend to feel pretty safe from just about anything. But not these guys. Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of faith there.

Moving on, Rachel manages to hide the teraphim from her father and gets away with the theft. Why God allows her to keep "idols" is a whole other interesting sideline, but let's let it lie or we'll get bogged down in the little stuff. Maybe that's what God was thinking, too.

Jacob and Laban go head to head with their lists of complaints against each other, but they eventually manage to make up and establish a covenant between the two families to do no harm and Jacob continues on towards his brother's land. Once again, Jacob shows an inordinate amount of fear. This I understand. It is probably more out of guilt over screwing his brother so badly. 

32:3 And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the field of Edom. 32:4 And he commanded them, saying, Thus shall ye say unto my lord Esau: Thus saith thy servant Jacob, I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed until now: 32:5 and I have oxen, and asses, and flocks, and men-servants, and maid-servants: and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find favor in thy sight. 32:6 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and moreover he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him. 32:7 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and was distressed: and he divided the people that were with him, and the flocks, and the herds, and the camels, into two companies; 32:8 and he said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the company which is left shall escape. 32:9 And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, O Jehovah, who saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will do thee good: 32:10 I am not worthy of the least of all the loving kindnesses, and of all the truth, which thou hast showed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two companies. 32:11 Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he come and smite me, the mother with the children. 32:12 And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.

See! Jacob knows that God has extended His protection over him, but he is still afraid to face his brother. Esau, on the other hand, is not that bad a guy. Strong, brave, competent Esau has long since forgiven his brother, done quite well for himself actually, and is only rushing to greet his brother out of eagerness to reunite the family. Jacob only remembers Esau's anger and threat to kill him. He seems to lack faith in God's protection and calls upon it repeatedly. He sends his servants ahead of him, in small groups, to test his brother's intention. 

Jacob camps with his family before Esau's arrival and a strange thing happens:

32:22 And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two handmaids, and his eleven children, and passed over the ford of the Jabbok. 32:23 And he took them, and sent them over the stream, and sent over that which he had. 32:24 And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. 32:25 And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was strained, as he wrestled with him. 32:26 And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. 32:27 And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob. 32:28 And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for thou hast striven with God and with men, and hast prevailed. 32:29 And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.

This doesn't make alot of sense nor seem to have much of a purpose - aside from changing Jacob's name to Israel and, apparently, crippling Jacob. I don't get it. 

Esau arrives that day and, to Jacob's great relief, declares his love for his brother and tries to turn down all of Jacob's guilt offerings. Finally he accepts the gifts (Jacob won't take no for an answer) and returns home. Jacob follows and settles down outside a town called Shechem, having bought a parcel of land from the inhabitants. 

Some time later Dinah, one of Jacob's daughters, is raped (it seems) by a young prince of the city. The prince actually wants to marry the girl, but he's already done the deed and Jacob has heard of it. Jacob and his boys are, rightfully, quite pissed off about the whole affair. When the prince's family comes by to ask for the girl's hand in marriage, Jacob tells them the men throughout the whole town must first be circumcised (ouch!) before they will exchange daughters and sons as husbands and wives. The town agrees (well, the prince's family agrees and, no doubt, forces the rest of the town to go along) and all the men are circumcised. But on the third day of recovery after surgery - when all the boys are quite sore and not moving about too well - Dinah's brothers Simeon & Levi (sons of the same mother as Dinah) go throughout the town and kill every male in the city in revenge of the rape. Neither Jacob nor his other sons knew the two were going to do this:

 34:27 The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and plundered the city, because they had defiled their sister. 34:28 They took their flocks and their herds and their asses, and that which was in the city, and that which was in the field; 34:29 and all their wealth, and all their little ones and their wives, took they captive and made a prey, even all that was in the house. 34:30 And Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, Ye have troubled me, to make me odious to the inhabitants of the land, among the Canaanites and the Perizzites: and, I being few in number, they will gather themselves together against me and smite me; and I shall be destroyed, I and my house. 34:31 And they said, Should he deal with our sister as with a harlot?

Makes sense to me and I probably would do the same thing as Simeon and Levi. More importantly though is Jacob's yellow streak once again rising to the top. How many times does God have to tell this guy that nothing really bad is going to happen to him? 

After this little episode God tells Jacob to get on up the road to the place He first appeared to Jacob and build an altar there: 

35:2 Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the foreign gods that are among you, and purify yourselves, and change your garments: 35:3 and let us arise, and go up to Beth-el; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went. 35:4 And they gave unto Jacob all the foreign gods which were in their hand, and the rings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem. 35:5 And they journeyed: and a terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.

So Jacob knows about all the forbidden idols and knows that God would not be all that pleased with them. Why doesn't he melt them down or destroy them? Why hide them unless he intends to retrieve them? Why does he intend to retrieve them if he knows they are wrong? What is up with this guy? 

35:9 And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came from Paddan-aram, and blessed him. 35:10 And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel. 35:11 And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins; 35:12 and the land which I gave unto Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land. 35:13 And God went up from him in the place where he spake with him. 35:14 And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he spake with him, a pillar of stone: and he poured out a drink-offering thereon, and poured oil thereon. 35:15 And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Beth-el.

Once again Jacob has a face-to-face with God, gets blessed and receives the promise of Abraham and the protection of God. Think he'll take it to heart this time? Doubtful, but let's find out...

After this, Jacob & family continue the trek towards home. Along the way Rachel dies while giving birth to Jacob's 12th son, Benjamin. For some reason it is mentioned that Rueben (Jacob's eldest) sleeps with Bilhah while they are camped and mourning the death of Rachel. Apparently Jacob knows, but that is all it says.

Jacob's 12 Sons (Listed by the Mother)
Leah	Zilpah (Handmaid)	Rachel	Bilhah (Handmaid)
Rueben (Firstborn) Simeon Levi Judah Issachar Zebulun	Gad Asher	Joseph Benjamin (Youngest)	Dan Naphtali

Eventually they reach the homeland and reunite with Isaac and Esau. Isaac dies at the age of 180 and the two boys bury him. Pages of lineage follow and finally we come to the story of Joseph. Everybody knows the story of Joseph, the many colored coat and his dream-telling prophesies. His brothers (except Benjamin) sell him to some merchants who take him to Egypt and sell him to Potiphar - an officer of Pharaoh's & the captain of the guard. The boys tell Jacob that Joseph is dead - killed by a lion or something - and present the bloody coat as proof. 

There is some sexual intrigue told regarding Judah, but it doesn't seem to lead to anything. The Story returns to Joseph.

God has chosen Joseph to carry on the line and bear the weight of His people. Good thing, too, because Joseph seems to be a cut above the old-timers. He's got spunk. Sure, he's a slave, but he makes the best of it and it seems whatever he turns his hand to, good things come of it. His owner, Potiphar, pretty much gives him the run of the house and the power to do whatever he thinks is right. Potiphar's wife though is pure trouble:

39:7 And it came to pass after these things, that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. 39:8 But he refused, and said unto his master's wife, Behold, my master knoweth not what is with me in the house, and he hath put all that he hath into my hand: 39:9 he is not greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back anything from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? 39:10 And it came to pass, as she spake to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by her, or to be with her. 39:11 And it came to pass about this time, that he went into the house to do his work; and there was none of the men of the house there within. 39:12 And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out. 39:13 And it came to pass, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand, and was fled forth, 39:14 that she called unto the men of her house, and spake unto them, saying, See, he hath brought in a Hebrew unto us to mock us: he came in unto me to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice: 39:15 and it came to pass, when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment by me, and fled, and got him out. 39:16 And she laid up his garment by her, until his master came home. 39:17 And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, The Hebrew servant, whom thou hast brought unto us, came in unto me to mock me: 39:18 and it came to pass, as I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment by me, and fled out.

What's a man to do? He might have allowed Joseph to tell his side of the story, but if he had it would mean his wife was a slut and that he wasn't man enough to keep her interest where it belonged. So he threw poor Joseph into prison. 

As prison goes, Joseph had it pretty good. The head jailer saw the same potential in Joseph as Potiphar had and made use of it. Joseph had the run of the prison and was pretty much in charge. Then the Pharaoh's butler and baker wound up in prison and happened to mention their dreams to Joseph. Joseph correctly interpreted them to the joy of one and the woe of the other:

40:9 And the chief butler told his dream to Joseph, and said to him, In my dream, behold, a vine was before me; 40:10 and in the vine were three branches: and it was as though it budded, and its blossoms shot forth; and the clusters thereof brought forth ripe grapes: 40:11 and Pharaoh's cup was in my hand; and I took the grapes, and pressed them into Pharaoh's cup, and I gave the cup into Pharaoh's hand. 40:12 And Joseph said unto him, This is the interpretation of it: the three branches are three days; 40:13 within yet three days shall Pharaoh lift up thy head, and restore thee unto thine office: and thou shalt give Pharaoh's cup into his hand, after the former manner when thou wast his butler. 40:14 But have me in thy remembrance when it shall be well with thee, and show kindness, I pray thee, unto me, and make mention of me unto Pharaoh, and bring me out of this house: 40:15 for indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews: and here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon.

Of course, the butler forgets to mention the plight of Joseph to the Pharaoh until, some two years later, the Pharaoh begins dreaming dreams that no one seems capable of interpreting. The butler finally remembers Joseph and mentions it to the Pharaoh. Pharaoh has Joseph brought up, tells him the dreams he's been having, and Joseph interprets them with some detail:

41:37 And the thing was good in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of all his servants. 41:38 And Pharaoh said unto his servants, Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom the spirit of God is? 41:39 And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, Forasmuch as God hath showed thee all of this, there is none so discreet and wise as thou: 41:40 thou shalt be over my house, and according unto thy word shall all my people be ruled: only in the throne will I be greater than thou. 41:41 And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, See, I have set thee over all the land of Egypt. 41:42 And Pharaoh took off his signet ring from his hand, and put it upon Joseph's hand, and arrayed him in vestures of fine linen, and put a gold chain about his neck; 41:43 and he made him to ride in the second chariot which he had; and they cried before him, Bow the knee: and he set him over all the land of Egypt. 41:44 And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, I am Pharaoh, and without thee shall no man lift up his hand or his foot in all the land of Egypt. 41:45 And Pharaoh called Joseph's name Zaphenath-paneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath, the daughter of Poti-phera priest of On. And Joseph went out over the land of Egypt.

And Joseph pretty much saves Egypt, as well as most of the rest of the region from a great famine. Joseph gets his revenge on his brothers when they come for famine relief, but in the end he proves to be a really alright sort of man, forgives his brothers, and reunites the family. Even more, he gets the Pharaoh to give his kin the plushest land in the region - the Nile delta region known as Goshen.

Joseph is a big man in Egypt - the biggest, save for the Pharaoh - and during the famine anyone who wants to eat pretty much has to talk to him. First, Joseph sells them grain for money, then livestock, and finally when all of Egypt is out of money and livestock, he forces them to sign over their property rights (land) to Pharaoh for the grain. When the famine ends, Pharaoh owns pretty much everything and the people of Egypt are nothing more than share-croppers for Pharaoh, having lost (sold) their ancestral lands.  

Meanwhile, the Israelites have been doing pretty well in Goshen. It is important to note that the Israelites, as shepherds, where kind of looked down upon by most Egyptians. Not unlike the cattlemen versus the shepherds in the American west. They were refugees and yet they were doing better (because of Joseph's dealings for the Pharaoh) than most of the Egyptians were in their own land. This eventually would lead to some major resentment. 

47:27 And Israel dwelt in the land of Egypt, in the land of Goshen; and they gat them possessions therein, and were fruitful, and multiplied exceedingly. 47:28 And Jacob lived in the land of Egypt seventeen years: so the days of Jacob, the years of his life, were a hundred forty and seven years. 47:29 And the time drew near that Israel must die: and he called his son Joseph, and said unto him, If now I have found favor in thy sight, put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh, and deal kindly and truly with me: bury me not, I pray thee, in Egypt; 47:30 but when I sleep with my fathers, thou shalt carry me out of Egypt, and bury me in their burying-place. And he said, I will do as thou hast said. 47:31 And he said, Swear unto me: and he sware unto him. And Israel bowed himself upon the bed's head.

Before he died, though, Jacob (Israel) had to pass on his blessing to his sons and he included Joseph's two boys in the ceremony. Oddly, he gave the greater blessing to the younger of Joseph's two sons. Here too we find that Jacob was saving up a special "blessing" for Reuben - the son who slept with Jacob's surrogate wife - as well as Simeon and Levi, the two boys who revenged themselves on the town for the rape of Dinah:

49:3 Reuben, thou art my first-born, my might, and the beginning of my strength; The pre-eminence of dignity, and the pre-eminence of power. 49:4 Boiling over as water, thou shalt not have the pre-eminence; Because thou wentest up to thy father's bed; Then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch. 49:5 Simeon and Levi are brethren; Weapons of violence are their swords. 49:6 O my soul, come not thou into their council; Unto their assembly, my glory, be not thou united; For in their anger they slew a man, And in their self-will they hocked an ox. 49:7 Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; And their wrath, for it was cruel: I will divide them in Jacob, And scatter them in Israel. 

The rest of the boys got fairly good blessings (despite having sold Joseph to the merchants) but Joseph received the the predominate blessing and the transfer of power/protection by God. When Israel finally died, the family - along with a huge contingent of admirers from among the Egyptians - took his body to be buried in the family plot. Having mourned the death of their father, the 10 treacherous brothers then began to worry about how Joseph might treat them now that Jacob's power had passed to him:

50:15 And when Joseph's brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, It may be that Joseph will hate us, and will fully requite us all the evil which we did unto him. 50:16 And they sent a message unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying, 50:17 So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the transgression of thy brethren, and their sin, for that they did unto thee evil. And now, we pray thee, forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him. 50:18 And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we are thy servants. 50:19 And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? 50:20 And as for you, ye meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. 50:21 Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

So, centuries after Adam, it appears God has finally found a real man to lead his people. He doesn't whine about his circumstances, he doesn't fear his enemies, nor does he feel particularly inclined to judge those who treat him poorly. He puts his faith in God and trusts Him to deal with the troublemakers. Very impressive. 

50:22 And Joseph dwelt in Egypt, he, and his father's house: and Joseph lived a hundred and ten years. 50:23 And Joseph saw Ephraim's children of the third generation: the children also of Machir the son of Manasseh were born upon Joseph's knees. 50:24 And Joseph said unto his brethren, I die; but God will surely visit you, and bring you up out of this land unto the land which he sware to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. 50:25 And Joseph took an oath of the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you, and ye shall carry up my bones from hence. 50:26 So Joseph died, being a hundred and ten years old: and they embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt.

And that's a wrap for the first book of the Bible. The thing is, with the exception of Joseph, all of God's "heroes" seem to be total, weak-kneed putzes. What is up with that? And all the incest and wife swapping and sleeping with handmaids? Was that "normal" back then? And if it is/was normal back then - why is it so frowned upon now (not to mention rarely pointed out among the modern day church crowd)? Curiouser and curiouser...

Word of God? | Creation | There & Back Again

 

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